Man smoking e-cigarette must be futuristic bounty hunter

ATLANTA Several eyewitnesses confirmed Tuesday that a man seen smoking a high tech e cigarette device must, in all likelihood, be some sort of futuristic bounty hunter in the midst of a covert time stream altering mission of critical importance.

Sources told reporters that the man, who inhaled deeply on the mechanized smoking apparatus, causing the tip to glow a bright cobalt hue, probably traveled back in time to track down a deadly fugitive hiding in the early 21st century or something.

Reports further indicated that the person, who in all likelihood is a futuristic soldier of fortune with off world military training, stared off into the distance, scanning the building across the street with what must be enhanced optical implants to locate an elusive outlaw’s bio signature, then exhaled what appeared to be an odorless vapor.

«Judging by his cool, calm demeanor and the fact that he was inhaling what looked like e fumes from some kind of shiny black mecha cigarette, I’m just going to assume this guy has journeyed here from hundreds of years in the future to apprehend a dangerous digi convict of some kind,» said data management analyst Paul Rankin, adding that the man’s skeletal system was almost certainly reinforced by an indestructible alloy as yet unknown to today’s engineers. «Imagine his knowledge of future events. He could probably share information about so many astounding secrets if we dared ask.»

«His name is probably something like Nitror or Chronox,» added Rankin of the man.

Patrons at Brady’s Bar and Grill on Courtland Street say they first spotted the presumed futuristic mercenary in a corner booth smoking the cutting edge nicotine delivery system. Sources then surmised that the criminal hunter from the distant future had likely been deployed to the bar to capture a defector from Quadrant 4.

Another group of customers, however, told reporters that they believed the gruff man taking drags from the e cigarette may also have conceivably traversed the space time continuum to pursue a rogue scientist who stole blueprints for a synthetic organism, a commander of a resistance movement, or the terrorist responsible for the cataclysmic 2748 terrorist attacks that obliterated Neo Jersey and rendered the Midwestern Seaboard uninhabitable for 2 million years.

Further sources speculated, with growing alarm, that the man’s very presence in the bar might somehow cause an irreversible temporal paradox of some kind.

«Look at him, he’s obviously stalking his mark right now and I bet that beer he’s drinking has no effect on him because his internal organs are all bionic and thus alcohol resistant,» said local resident Jeff Wallace, adding that the stranger using the high tech tobacco apparatus must certainly possess mental and physical capabilities far exceeding those of current humans. «I feel like at any minute that guy might jump from his seat, charge across the bar, and waste a future war criminal with some sort of pulse rifle, particle cannon, or X294 phaser blaster.»

Sources who had earlier glimpsed the cryptic figure drawing on the electronic vaping device while striding down the sidewalk agreed that the presumed techno fugitive hunter was probably equipped with enough firepower to obliterate a humanoid’s torso in seconds or reduce a foe into an ash heap in a single blinding flash.

Other reports have confirmed that the e cigarette smoker must have secured some semblance of 21st century clothes in order to blend in with his surroundings and not draw too much attention to himself or to his highly dangerous mission.

«Obviously this man is a cold hearted killer with the ability to seamlessly traverse space time, that much is clear,» accountant Todd Saunders said of the man inhaling nicotine fumes with what reportedly must be 25th or 26th century technology, at least. «But what’s hidden behind those badass mirrored shades? Highly advanced ocular cybernetics? Or maybe sad gray eyes that have seen humanity enslaved by a mega corporation of unspeakable cruelty?»

At press time, eyewitnesses confirmed that the futuristic bounty hunter had paid for his drink with 21st century American money credits that he had no doubt been supplied with by his futuristic employers at the Karpek Institute and marched out onto the street with grim determination just as a wormhole undoubtedly opened.

Editorial: the buzz about e-cigarettes — chicago tribune

There’s debate, but scant evidence, that e cigarettes pose a health risk. The main benefit of e cigarettes is to give smokers an alternative, a way to kick the tobacco habit. Users can vary the levels of nicotine and gradually wean themselves off their addiction.

A 2009 Food and Drug Administration study tested two popular brands of e cigarettes and did find carcinogens and other toxic chemicals in more than half of the samples. One sample had traces of diethylene glycol, an ingredient in antifreeze.

Another study conducted by the Drexel University School of Public Health and funded by the Consumer Advocates for Smoke Free Alternatives Association, a group that advocates for e cigarettes and smokeless tobacco found e cigarettes pose no health threat for users or bystanders under generally accepted exposure limits. No study has provided a definitive answer, but all point to e cigs as safer than regular cigs.

The FDA is still trying to figure out how to classify e cigarettes. In September, attorneys general from about 40 states signed on to a letter urging the FDA to regulate e cigarettes as a tobacco product. That would allow the agency to restrict advertising, ingredients and sales to minors. The FDA has drafted a proposed rule and sent it to the Office of Management and Budget’s Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs for review, but has not publicly released it.

Health effects aside, a major concern about e cigarettes is their appeal to young people. Smoking an e cigarette looks no different than smoking a regular cigarette. That «cool» factor is still there. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the number of middle school and high school students who use e cigarettes doubled between 2011 and 2012. An Illinois law banning the sale of e cigarettes to minors took effect on Jan. 1.

Chicago’s proposed ordinance, introduced by Ald. Will Burns, 4th, and Ald. Edward Burke, 14th, is promoted as an initiative to protect children, but it would have a much wider impact. E cigarettes would be banned from all smoke free environments, and stores would be required to sell them behind the counter. That ordinance has been stalled, but an ordinance that would prohibit the sale of menthol flavored tobacco products within 500 feet of Chicago schools has been approved by two council committees.

The new state law and the city ordinance that won favor in committee focus on restricting this nicotine delivery device to kids. And that, for now, seems like the right approach. Illinois and other states had good cause to ban tobacco smoking in public places second hand smoke poses a known health risk. E cigs may be a nuisance to people who see others using them, but we’re not talking about second hand smoke.

The absence of a broad government ban doesn’t mean that people puffing e cigs will start to show up everywhere. Many businesses and agencies have set their own bans. You can’t smoke e cigarettes at the United Center, on CTA buses or trains or in Starbucks stores. Nearly all major U.S. airlines prohibit e cigarettes on their planes. It’s our sense that most e cig users think twice about where they puff away because of public repulsion toward smoking.